"Decía mi abuela que cuando una mujer se sintiera triste lo mejor que podía hacer era trenzarse el cabello, de esta manera el dolor quedaría atrapado entre los cabellos y no podría llegar hasta el resto del cuerpo; había que tener cuidado de que la tristeza no se metiera en los ojos pues los haría llover, tampoco era bueno dejarla entrar en nuestros labios pues los obligaría a decir cosas que no eran ciertas. Que no se meta entre tus manos- me decía- porque puedes tostar de más el café o dejar cruda la masa. Y es que a la tristeza le gusta el sabor amargo. Cuando te sientas triste niña, trénzate el cabello; atrapa el dolor en la madeja y déjalo escapar cuando el viento del norte pegue con fuerza. Nuestro cabello es una red capaz de atraparlo todo, es fuerte como las raíces del ahuehuete y suave como la espuma del atole. Que no te agarre desprevenida la melancolía mi niña, aun si tienes el corazón roto o los huesos fríos por alguna ausencia. No la dejes meterse en ti con tu cabello suelto, porque fluirá en cascada por los canales que la luna ha trazado entre tu cuerpo. Trenza tu tristeza, decía, siempre trenza tu tristeza… Y mañana que despiertes con el canto del gorrión la encontrarás pálida y desvanecida entre el telar de tu cabello." 

Paola Klug, La Pinche Canela

Dear Yogi Attempt: 

It's sad that you were totally manipulative, intentionally or unintentionally, to fulfill whatever void you have in your heart. That push-pull thing you did would drive any person insane, and it seems to me that the only way you can deal with your own issues is to project your fragile ego and insecurity on to me and (try) control me via manipulation and aggression. Yours was one of the worst kinds of abuse, where you sing to me gently, stamp all over my opening tenderness, then repeatedly say: “Hey, you’re the one who's hurt, you opened, your bad.”

In short, you are indeed one self-centered asshole.

This egotistical nature of yours only proved you lack your own personal power, so you could only try and strip me of mine. I'm absolutely glad I didn't choose to invest any more of my energy and time into a relationship that was terribly unfulfilling and destructive. Perhaps I'll go even one step further, and reconsider everything you ever said to me as toxic, rather than sweet. I’ve encountered wild yogis, who do terrible things to the people around them. You could be one of them. That pat on the back you gave me just clinched it for me: your ego is out of control. So no, it's not me, it's not my issue. Perhaps my issue is learning how to slam the door on a snake, keeping venomous beings away from my tender heart. As you once said I was naive, well, I do not agree, I am naive just when it comes to you, so I guess that sort of malice could only be attained by encountering people like you on my path.

What I wanted and needed in a relationship was never going to be met by you… I guess you knew this, and you resented me for knowing it too. You were right. I feel a tremendous amount of relief by admitting this to myself, and I would never deal with any of your bullshit again if I had the chance to go back, not even in my spare time (since I always knew you weren't who I wanted to be with). Why waste my time? You were right, I wasn't in love with you. I only wanted to be. Still, I deserved better because I am better (and even while not being truly in love, I was better to you). 

If it helps, know that you won’t experience the same pain I'm going through, you'll go through something much darker, much more painful. But that’s your path, far and outside my slammed door. I'll keep that closed. I won’t let you feed off of me anymore. Maybe your teacher is strong enough to slap some sense into you, but that's not my deal.

I'm glad I ditched you.

PS: I guess you needed to give back some of the pain for all those lousy times you cried in bed fearing that I might fall in love with someone else. 

Goodbye forever, you fragile dick (no pun intended).

Oh, my therapist wants you to know that thing you did is called sexual abuse. Though I doubt if I agree, I see right through it, nothing more than just another pathetic attempt of appearing strong when being so weak. Do you remember that I laughed in the middle of my tears? Yeah, that was me acknowledging the abuse, but very consciously admitting to myself how ridiculous you really are. Someone who'd sit on a lotus flower, showing their melted stars tattoos on their feet, just before abusing. Who gives another person an ultimatum after abusing them? Someone with lack of tools and humanity. It was so easy. 

Esto es todo un enigma pero creo que podría escribir algo sobre la verdad, quiero que quede algo valioso.

Estallaré en mil formas
ya no estarás en la zona de mi alma
y descubriré mil vientos

Y ahora invertido:
Ya no estarás para darme valor
todo se quebró, sin embargo mis ojos
dan al cielo.

♡

"Estamos todos en la misma, nadie nos va a salvar." Quiero escribir una canción. "Es un enigma de amor. Estamos hechos de cenizas de los que ya no están." Una canción que diga cómo se siente estar en un planeta diferente, haber querido algo que no era lo que se creía que era. Debe haber una biblioteca humana infinita y universal sobre este tema.

Paralelamente quedan las frases bonitas. No me las tomo muy en serio y está bien. "Lo brillante de la oscuridad yo lo vi en tus ojos negros". Eso me decías siempre.

No hay que temer a pretender, es sólo querer ser más de lo que ya somos... pero cuando veo gente pretenciosa que se dice eso pero no se dice la verdad, dejo de creerme, ya no le creo a mi adolescente de viento, de cuando tenía 14 años, y eso me da tristeza. Porque me creo, todavía me creo, pero no sé qué me hace diferente a ellos.